Tim Atkin | Master of Wine

Contributors

Ron Washam

Ron Washam

At a tender age, Ron turned away from a career as a comedy writer to become a sommelier. One could say he prefers spitting to gagging. He served nineteen years as a sommelier in Los Angeles, and was twice named Sommelier of the Year by the California Restaurant Writers Association, primarily because he was unbeatable in the swimsuit competition. He also serves as a professional wine judge in many formerly prestigious competitions. He is one of only one HoseMaster of Wine in the world and writes a monthly satirical column for timatkin.com

 

All posts by Ron Washam below

10th Dec 2018 in Articles

Please Give This Christmas, So I Won’t Have To

What I dread about Christmas are the gifts. For example, I don’t want a Coravin. Coravins are stupid. Somebody is going to give me a goddam Coravin, I just know it, and I don’t want one. I’ll never use it, and it will sit on my kitchen... Read more

 

5th Nov 2018 in Articles

The Court of Master Sommeliers: Who Says Cheaters Never Proctor?

 “The Court of Master Sommeliers stripping the titles from 23 of the 24 candidates who took the tainted blind wine tasting exam in order to preserve the Court’s ‘integrity,’” Larry Anosmia MS tells me, “is like Stormy Daniels... Read more

 

4th Oct 2018 in Articles

Our vanishing Master Sommeliers

Researchers say there are no more than 273 of them left in the world. Many of the males are old, long past a desirable reproductive age. They’re nocturnal for the most part, using the darkness of the night to hide their neurotic fear of... Read more

 

3rd Sep 2018 in Articles

Freddie Perjury, Director of Greenwashing

Prick Family Vineyards owner Rich Prick has announced the hiring of Freddie Perjury as Director of Greenwashing. “I’ve given Freddie the assignment of communicating to the wine buying public our commitment to the environment, to the health... Read more

 

6th Aug 2018 in Articles

Natural Disaster Wines

Natural Wines are so last year. Oh, there’s the usual set of One Trick Phonies out there who will never stop evangelizing for Natural Wines. What else do they have? Natural Wine is their only identity. There’s an enormous world of wine out... Read more

 

2nd Jul 2018 in Articles

The HoseMaster of Wine™ Sits for the Master of Wine Exam

I recently sat for the Master of Wine exam. I was in my own apartment, alone, and I was wearing only a bath robe and a Donald Trump merkin, which is how I imagined an insane person would take the test. I aced it. Insane people always do.... Read more

 

4th Jun 2018 in Articles

A day at the Napa Valley Old Wine Critics Home

“You want to know what really drives me nuts?” Sam Euthanasia, World’s Oldest Wine Critic, tells me, “The whole place smells like pee. It’s like spending the day judging goddam supermarket New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. And if I wanted to... Read more

 

7th May 2018 in Articles

Erotica for the Natural Wine Lover

He was the most handsome man in the bar. I knew he was the one when he walked over to the jukebox and selected my favorite song — The Police’s “Qvevri Little Thing She Does is Magic.” He caught my eye and then casually took the... Read more

 

2nd Apr 2018 in Articles

The NRA Wine Club - Locked and Loaded

Hello, I’m Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association inviting you to become a member of the NRA Wine Club. At the NRA, we believe that nothing goes better with live ammunition than several glasses of specially-selected NRA Wine Club... Read more

 

5th Mar 2018 in Articles

The A.I. of Wine Spectator

The two words that come to mind when one thinks of the “Wine Spectator’s” lineup of wine critics — James Laube, Matt Kramer, Tim Fish, James Molesworth, Harvey Steiman et al.— is Artificial Intelligence. And, in fact, the entire... Read more