Tim Atkin | Master of Wine

Articles

13th Sep 2018

The Wine Writers of Penzance

by Peter Pharos

 

A scenic market town in South England. A gang of rowdy wine writers have ambushed a party of innocent wine sellers. The leading seller, a jovial, portly man in his early 50s, steps forward to the Head of the Wine Writers’ gang, and the younger wine writer standing next to him.

[LEADING WINE SELLER]
Hold monsters!

‘Ere your writing caravanserai
Proceed, against our will, to score us all,
Just remember that we’re Wards in Facebook
And we have now hired a Marketeer!

The younger wine writer grabs the Head of the gang by the arm
[YOUNG WINE WRITER]
We'd better pause, or danger may befall;
They have now hired a Marketeer!

[WINE SELLERS]
Yes, yes, we have now hired a Marketeer!

A message appears on everyone’s Facebook, Insta, and Twitter feeds
[WINE MARKETEER] 
Yes, yes, I am a Wine Marketeer!

Young Wine Writer likes and comments
[YOUNG WINE WRITER]
For he is a Wine Marketeer!

[ALL]
He is! Hurrah for the Wine Marketeer!

Second message appears on everyone’s feeds
[WINE MARKETEER]
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Wine Marketeer!

All press like and share
[ALL]
It is! Hurrah for the Wine Marketeer!
Hurrah for the Wine Marketeer!

The Wine Marketeer descends from the Cloud. He is dressed like he fell asleep in Shoreditch 10 years ago and just woke up. The Wine Marketeer takes out a laptop from his backpack and starts typing furiously. Tells Alexa to play some music.

[HEAD OF WINE WRITERS]
But it’s the same as the Wine Advocate tune!!

Music starts

[WINE MARKETEER]
I am the very model of a modern Wine Marketeer
I've information digital and social, it’s very clear
I know the kings of Mad’son, and I quote the firms historical
From Omnicom to Sterling Coo’, in order categorical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters economical
I understand equations, and how sales are palindromical
About all types of SEO I am teeming with a lot o' news
>Lot o’ news…hmm…

[ALL]
Oh, my, he has forgotten it…

[WINE MARKETEER]
Got it!
With many cheerful facts about dynamic ads and selling booze

[ALL]
With many cheerful facts about dynamic ads and selling booze!
With many cheerful facts about dynamic ads and selling booze!
With many cheerful facts about Facebook dynamic ads and booze!

[WINE MARKETEER]
I'm very good at influence and social media marketing
I know the scientific name for large-scale data harvesting
In short, in matters digital and social it’s very clear
I am the very model of a modern Wine Marketeer

[ALL]
In short, in matters digital and social it’s very clear,
He is the very model of a modern Wine Marketeer!

[WINE MARKETEER]
I make up mythic sales for King Arthur's White Zinfandel
I throw in so many terms that nobody can really tell
I quote in elegiacs all the Insta filter dos and don'ts
In Facebook I bring the likes and on Twitter all the lols.
I can tell undoubted Saatchis from Irises and Kitcatt Nohrs
I know the croaking chorus of the Geniuses of Apple Stores!
If it’s a success I’ll sing it loudly, come on let me if you dare
To whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Go Compare

[ALL]
To whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Go Compare!
To whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Go Compare!
To whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Go Compa-Compare!

[WINE MARKETEER]
Then I can write an advert with Behavioural Psychology
And tell you ev’ry detail of Commercial Ontology
In short, in matters digital and social it’s very clear
I am the very model of a modern Wine Marketeer

[ALL]
In short, in matters digital and social it’s very clear
He is the very model of a modern Wine Marketeer!

[WINE MARKETEER]
In fact, when I know what is meant by "Millésime" and "Vanillin"
When I can tell at sight a Jeroboam from a Javelin
When such affairs as TCA and mous’ness I’m more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by this "terroir"
When I have learnt what progress has been made in the modern winery
When I know more of grapes than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I have a smattering of even elemental class
Oooh, that’s a tough one, class…
Got it!
You'll say a better Marketeer has never ever held a glass

[ALL]
You'll say a better Marketeer has never ever held a glass!
You'll say a better Marketeer has never ever held a glass!
You'll say a better Marketeer has never ever ever ever held a glass!

[WINE MARKETEER]
For all my vinous knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of last century
But still, in matters digital and social it’s very clear
I am the very model of a modern Wine Marketeer

[ALL]
But still, in matters digital and social it’s very clear
He is the very model of a modern Wine Marketeer!

All clap. The Wine Marketeer packs the laptop and exits. The Wine Sellers and The Wine Writers shake hands

[HEAD OF WINE WRITERS]
Admittedly we don’t know precisely what is meant by "terroir" either.

Exit all. Enter a Wine Consumer, dressed in rags, whistling to himself.

[WINE CONSUMER]
If I were a rich man
Ya ba dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum

The End

Related topics: Column

Browse articles

 
 
 
blog comments powered by Disqus